


to find comfort in a warriors soothing soul ( we find the answers in the lessons we learn. )

by corneliaolivia



Series: to find comfort in a warriors soothing soul ( we find the answers in the lessons we learn ) [2]
Category: The 100 (TV), clexa - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Feels, Angst and Romance, Clexa, Drama & Romance, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, F/F, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, Injury, Injury Recovery, Minor Character Death, Polis, Post-Canon, Romance, Survival Training, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-07
Updated: 2020-09-07
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:13:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 21,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26341684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/corneliaolivia/pseuds/corneliaolivia
Summary: It has been thirteen months since Clarke made the decision to join Trikru. To be part of the Grounder culture she once feared. It has been thirteen months of living freely with Lexa in Polis. Thirteen months that she has spent in peace.
Relationships: Clarke Griffin & Lexa, Clarke Griffin/Lexa, Costia/Lexa ( mentioned )
Series: to find comfort in a warriors soothing soul ( we find the answers in the lessons we learn ) [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1960642
Comments: 36
Kudos: 109





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [to find comfort in a warrior's soothing soul](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21091898) by [corneliaolivia](https://archiveofourown.org/users/corneliaolivia/pseuds/corneliaolivia). 



> So this is the first chapter of the sequel to my clexa fic “ To find comfort in a warriors soothing soul “ which you might have to read to understand some of these references better. 
> 
> But other than that, I am super excited to get going with this. The story will pick up more in the next chapter already, this was just a slight introduction. 
> 
> Anyway I hope you enjoy it! :)

Sunlight streams in through the glass panes of the tower. It is reflecting a kind of majestic glow onto the painted wall of stone in the middle of Clarke’s new given painting room. 

Every swipe brush of green attracts beauty to her eyes and Clarke gets lost in the painted vision in front of her. She lets her mind travel, lets her muscles guide every swipe of the brush she makes over the wall before her. One bold stroke after the other, creates an image of beauty, an image of freedom close to the kind of feeling that Clarke has experienced throughout the past year. 

It has been thirteen months since Clarke made the decision to join Trikru. To be part of the Grounder culture she once feared. It has been thirteen months of living freely with Lexa in Polis. _Thirteen months_ that she has spent in peace. 

With a light exhale, and with movements so slow and delicate, Clarke lowers her hand from the wall before her. Her eyes feel glued to the artwork she has brought to life. The artwork of the forest. Of the forest Clarke first had dreamed of. The enchanted part of it. The part of it that was once filled with everything Clarke wished for. 

She draws a breath to her lungs, bringing up the back of her hand to swipe at her sweat-streaked forehead. Winter may be covering the lands of Polis, freezing the air surrounding her, yet the sun still manages to heat the skin onto Clarke’s face from where she is sitting in the one spot of light. 

The blonde of her short hair is pulled into a loose bun in the back of her neck, still a few strands of hair feel glued to the sweat covering her flesh. 

There is something so peaceful about spending hours in the silence of her art. To let her heart guide every stroke she makes. To let out the creativity that is screaming from the deepest recesses of her mind. Clarke has never had the freedom for that before. Somewhere along the road of deaths and traumas, of horror and everything the ground has challenged her with, she almost lost a part of herself that may be her biggest anchor to peace. The one part of herself that lets her be completely free. Clarke can almost physically feel her heart tightening by the thought, she does not want to ever have to fear losing that again. 

A soft breath sounds from above her, and Clarke is pulled from her blur of silence. Somewhere in her focus she had managed to completely block out the sound of Lexa stepping inside.

‘’ You have come far. ‘’, her tone is gentle and low, and Clarke does not fight the smile that settles to her lips a moment later. Instead, she lets her eyes wander over the woman above her. 

Lexa’s face is undecorated from war paint. Her body is the only thing trapped in her battle coat. Her face is relaxed and calm, and a slight taste of a smile is hidden in the corners of her lips. 

‘’ Yeah, ‘’ Clarke breathes, the smile guiding out the words before she joins Lexa’s stare at the wall. 

She _has_ come far, she has spent nearly every day for the past year inside this room that Lexa once provided her with. Clearly, it has left its obvious evidence on the stone walls. 

The smile upon her lips only becomes wider by the thought, and Clarke has to fight her mind to bring her back to present. She blinks the daze from her eyes before she rises to her feet with a soft grunt leaving the depth of her throat as she does so. “ But it’s nowhere near done ,” Clarke murmurs. 

Depth of green is fixated on the blue of Clarke’s, and the stare of Lexa immediately has her heart race. There is something mesmerising and soul-calming in the way Lexa is looking at her. In the way her eyes travel over the features of Clarke’s face almost as if it is the first time she sees her. Lexa has not once stopped looking at Clarke like that, and Clarke has not once gotten used to it. 

‘’ What? ‘’, Clarke asks softly, and Lexa smiles. 

She slowly but surely tugs a strand of blonde hair from Clarke’s face to behind her ear. A strand of hair that had escaped the bun on her neck and somehow managed to stay glued to the sweat over her face. 

Clarke melts by the gentleness in her touches. She melts so deep inside of it that she almost forgets all together everything else surrounding her. However, she is shortly reminded once Lexa’s fingers return from her face clearly covered with the paint Clarke had been using. The skin on Lexa’s fingers absorbs the wetness of the green paint and the smile does not once leave her lips. 

Clarke closes her eyes and sighs by the vision in front of her. 

‘’ You are a mess, Clarke Griffin. ‘’ , Lexa murmurs teasingly before Clarke opens her eyes by the words. She tugs at her lower lip, a sudden lust of desire sneaking to her core.

Lexa is playful with her, and Lexa is the only one Clarke can be truly playful _with._ It is something new and rare for the both of them. Something they have never let anyone else see or be part of. Something they have never felt the need or want to share. Something they have never found the time or excitement to let out into the world until now. 

Clarke knows _she_ hasn’t. At least not for a long time. The fire of her childishness and playfulness, burned out long ago, yet Lexa has been able to set spark to the ashes. And she knows, clear inside of her that she has been able to do the same for Lexa. She _knows,_ because never has she seen this lovingly and _humanly_ side of Lexa. The side of her that Clarke never could have imagined existed. Yet now a part that she never wants to be apart from. 

‘’ But I’m _your_ mess. ‘’ , she says with a smirk before she quirks a brow and watches how the words affect Lexa.

Lexa smiles, _wide_ and joyful as a reaction to Clarke’s chosen words. Never in her life, could Clarke had prepared herself for the kind of happiness she would find in Polis, _in Lexa._ It is a happiness greater than anything she has felt before, and greater than anything she possibly _could_ feel. 

She watches as Lexa closes her eyes from the words. Drowning in the feeling that must be as overwhelming and new to her as it is to Clarke. Clarke can not help but wonder for how long Lexa must have ached for a feeling like this. To experience such comfort and love. If she has been craving it as much as Clarke ever since the day Costia left her side. Has Lexa ever felt comfort since then? She does not want to think about the many years that Lexa spent alone, the time she spent aching just to feel something like this again. 

Clarke closes her eyes too. She tugs at Lexa’s hands, feeling the skin on her fingers against her own. She is soft and warm under the touch of Clarke’s hands, and Clarke’s heart trembles by the touch. She wants to stay in the embrace of Lexa so much that she almost has to fight the urge to protest once Lexa slowly pulls back. 

“ I came to remind you of your training with Aden. “ She says, and Clarke closes her eyes tighter by the reminder. She tugs at her lower lip, biting her teeth down into it. 

“ I.. completely forgot. “ 

Lexa smiles slowly, eyes traveling over every part of Clarke’s face. “ The painting has been given a lot of your attention lately. “ 

Clarke looks up. She can not even deny it. She has spent countless hours inside the walls of her new given room. Sometimes she drifts off so far that she never wants to leave. Her voice is raspy when she murmurs, “ Yeah.” 

Clarke is aware of how she should pay more attention to the culture she has converted herself into. She _has_ been trying to. She agreed to have her lessons with Aden in hope that he will be able to make her a more skilled warrior and she has been trying to learn more of their language in an attempt to understand more of their people. 

Lexa tilts her head before she begins to slide a hand gently down the side of Clarke’s arm. 

“ You have time,, “ She begins. “ Though, he will be waiting by the hill within an hour. “ 

Clarke tilts her chin down in a clear nod, “ Okay. “ 

Eyes lock with Lexa’s before she shrugs, “ See you after? “ , she asks and Lexa blinks back in response. 

Only the simple movement is enough to make Clarke feel more at ease. It is enough to make the shiver run through the veins in her body and enough to make her heart race. _Thirteen_ months with Lexa. Yet each month she has only spent falling more in love with the woman before her. 

  
  
  


__________

  
  
The cold air is icy in her lungs and stinging with pain each time Clarke draws in a breath. The air surrounding her is covered with the darkness and coldness of winter, and each exhale that forms into a cloud of nothingness above her is only a sign of it. 

Her heart beats hard and fast inside of her chest, struggling to breathe clearly. Clarke is unsure of if it is the cold that causes her body to feel more out of shape than usual, or if she actually is. 

It is first once she receives a light hit from Aden’s wooden-sword onto the side of her body, that Clarke immediately pulls back. “ Okay, okay. “ Clarke breathes, stepping back from the reach of Aden’s sword. Surprisingly the hit hurt more than usual from the tension in her body. 

She runs a hand through her short hair, preventing it from falling in front of her face before she slightly bends to draw in a new breath. 

“ This is useless. “ , Clarke breathes heavily. 

“ I won’t ever have use for this. “ 

She looks up again, meeting Aden’s gaze as he stands before her. He’s got both of his hands in a firm grip around the sword in front of his body. His breathing is heavy too, Clarke can tell by the small clouds of air that leaves his mouth each time he breathes, but still it is not close to how heavy Clarke’s is. 

“ If you want to become a warrior, you will. “ 

Clarke closes her eyes slowly. She never realised just how much and _hard_ the Grounders actually train to become the skilled warriors that they actually are. How the young nightbloods are able to do it and to make it seem so effortlessly. 

“ Do you wish for a pause? “ Aden asks and Clarke smiles by the words. 

“ Yeah, a break sounds nice. “, she agrees before she throws her own wooden-sword on the ground below her. 

Clarke sinks down to the grass underneath, feeling as the cold ground meets her body even through the layers of clothing. Clarke is not sure if she will ever get used to the cold, and everything that comes with it. How the forest is able to completely change itself from its summerself.

She has gotten her own clothes from Lexa to borrow, yet can still clearly feel the hair rise on every part of her body in a desperate attempt to keep her warm. 

With a sharp intake of breath, Clarke does her best to keep her nose from running. It is almost fascinating in the way one's body becomes so affected by the cold. How her legs almost ache as she is trying to keep them from shaking.

‘’ You will only feel colder if you tense your body. ‘’ Aden says then, clearly noticing the shivers in her body that she desperately has been trying to hide. 

Clarke smiles. Reminded by the words Tamari once told her and that she has yet not learned to live by. 

‘’ So I’ve heard. ‘’ Clarke says in a light breath, a smile stuck to her lips by the familiar reminder. 

Aden slowly walks over to Clarke then, placing the sword steady by the side of his hip before he sinks down to the spot beside Clarke. They stay like that for a while. In silence. In a silence that is only occupied by the sounds of - _mostly Clarke’s_ \- heavy breaths. They stay like that until Aden suddenly finds words to the thoughts. 

‘’ I believe you are brave. ‘’ 

Clarke turns by the sudden words. By words she had not expected. Yet words that are sincere and genuine and words that come from a place that Clarke feels worry for.

It is the undeniable silence that makes Aden turn to Clarke then. His eyes meeting hers in a question she has not yet dared to ask. _Where does that come from?_ Instead her brows quirks and her eyes travel between his, searching for answers. 

‘’ For freely wishing for this. ‘’ He explains, yet Clarke remains as confused. 

‘’ You would believe that after everything that has happened..’’ Aden pauses and Clarke stills. 

‘’ I mean even recently, Stella.. ‘’ 

‘’ Hey. ‘’, Clarke is fast to cut him off. Fast to stop his mind from going to places further than that. She places a hand steady over his leg. 

She shakes her head lightly, the confused expression spreading wide upon her face as her brows furrow even more so than they did less than a minute ago. 

“ Stella got sick, though. “, Clarke lowers her chin, making sure that her eyes stay glued to Aden and that the message reaches through. 

Stella got sick. Her death had nothing to do with the fact that she was a warrior. It was sudden and unexpected and there had been nothing that they could do. Her body just simply got tired of fighting. 

Clarke has not had the courage or strength to think too deep into it. Instead, she likes to believe that she went to a better place. To a place where she will not have to fight. To a place where she is not alone, and to a place where she is reunited with both of her parents. 

Aden fails miserably in the attempt he makes to smile. It is painful to watch, and Clarke can feel her own heart ache from the sight. There is no secret that she also has been affected by Stella’s death. Clarke has also felt guilty for it, wondering each day if there had been something that she could have done. It took Clarke a long time to accept the fact that it was none of their faults. It was a painful tragedy. 

“ Come here. “ Clarke murmurs, she rises to her feet before she brushes off the dirt from her pants and reaches out an arm. In a moment without hesitation, Aden gets a hold of it. His hand is as cold as her own as she pulls him up onto his feet again. 

“ Tragedies happen. “ 

“ Things that we can’t always prevent or fix, _happen.._ and it is _none_ of our faults. “ 

Clarke’s tone is serious and strong. She _needs_ Aden to hear the words. Because she is aware of how much _he_ needs it. Because Clarke knows how badly she herself had needed it. It wasn’t until Lexa that Clarke truly learned to not blame herself for every painful thing that happened. A burden like that is too heavy. Clarke would know, and _especially_ for a child. 

Clarke runs a hand up the length of his arm in a comforting motion. “ You are a good person, Aden. “ 

Clarke tries to smile. She _forces_ herself to through the ache in her chest, because she needs Aden to understand the words. She needs him to not blame himself or the world for what happened to Stella. 

With a heavy intake of breath, Clarke nods towards the inner center of Polis. “ Perhaps we should..? “ she begins and Aden lightly smiles back. 

“ Already giving up? “ 

Clarke quirks a brow by the teasing tone of his voice. 

“ Too tired, maybe? “ he continues jokingly and Clarke pushes at his side. 

“ Hey, watch it. “ she laughs lightly. 

There is no secret in the way Clarke clearly is worse than the young nightbloods at fighting with a sword. Or how her breath gave up long before her body did so. She is failing miserably on every aspect of becoming a true Grounder and it has clearly been obvious to Aden as well. 

  
  
  
  


___________

  
  


When Clarke returns to her room from her previous lesson with Aden, she can not ignore the way that every part of her body aches. It aches from the cold of the winter and it aches with the new thoughts of Stella and her family. 

Somewhere along the road, Clarke almost feels as though she failed her. Maybe she should have been there for her more after Tamari’s death. Maybe she should have seen the signs of her illness long before it was too close to kill her. 

Clarke’s head aches by the thought. It is throbbing with pain by each new reminder that hits her. Together with Lexa, they had found Stella struggling for breath in her own bed. It had looked painfully familiar to when Clarke witnessed Tamari’s, and just like then, it had been nothing for Clarke to do rather than just watch. Just watch, trying to hush the sound and trying to keep her calm. It had been heartbreaking, and Clarke did spend weeks feeling guilty for it. 

Clarke blinks away the thoughts and lets them vanish in a heavy exhale. The Grounder clothing is tight around her body, layers of garments are wrapped around her flesh joined by a large dark coat. 

She walks further into Lexa’s room. The doors are closed behind her and the room empty from the presence of Lexa as Clarke begins to undo the clasps on her own coat. One after the other she clasps them open before sliding the heavy coat from her shoulders. 

The room is cold as she exposes her body to the air of it. The balcony door is slightly open and Clarke is immediately aware of where the coldness comes from. The wind of the winter grabs by the garment of the curtains, making them dance in a light motion. 

It only takes Clarke a couple of moments to place her coat onto the couch beside her before deciding to close the door. Lexa probably must have left it open earlier this morning, for some reason she likes to wake up to the fresh air and the sound of the wind. Although Clarke prefers to keep it closed from the cold. 

She sighs softly, walking back into the room, rounding the corner that separates the bathroom from the other open spaces. It is a hidden place with a small wash basin. A small wash basin that Clarke craves to sink down into and bathe in. 

With slow movements, her fingers begin to caress the edge of it. She pulls the clasp to let the water run. Water that is heated from the fire and that one of Lexa’s men must have prepared. They usually make sure to keep her bath ready, especially so during the cold months of the year. Now though, Clarke is more than thankful for it. 

Clarke straightens her spine again with a heavy exhaustion, before reaching for the hem of her shirt. Slowly she begins to peel her clothes from her body, and each new inch of skin that gets exposed to the air surrounding her, makes her breathe easier. There was a heaviness that captured her chest from the moment Aden let out Stella’s name, and it is only once she unclasps her bra and slips it from her shoulders, that Clarke closes her eyes and lets out a long sigh of relief. It shudders against her ribs and almost stings with ache when she lets it out. 

She pops the button of her pants before pushing them down her legs along with her underwear. Her fingers brush over the wiry hair on her legs as she does, and she sighs before kicking her pants and underwear off of her feet. It only takes a moment close to a second for her new exposed skin to react to the coldness of the room. The hair rises on her body, leaving her skin rough and lumpy with goosebumps. But finally she is nude.

Clarke then steps over the edge of the wash basin, one leg after the other, and soon sinks slowly down into the warm water. She lets the feeling of it devour her. She lets it bring a heavy breath from her lungs. She lets the water capture every curve and form of her body before she closes her eyes and revels in the feeling of being submerged in warmth. She lays there until she nearly falls asleep before she can clearly hear the doors open before they heavily close again. 

Clarke blinks the tiredness from her eyes before glancing towards the corner of the room and towards the open space outside. 

The steps outside are heavy and rushed, they are determined and loud. Clarke can practically psychically _feel_ the stress from the sound of the boots. 

“ Clarke? “ , Lexa calls out her name, before she turns the corner of the main room and suddenly walks in without thought.

Lexa's eyes are busy focusing on the task of removing her gloves. So busy that she does not acknowledge Clarke in front of her.

” Cla—” The words die in Lexa’s throat when the Commander’s eyes lock onto Clarke laying like a statue in the wash basin. Her wet hair lays over her shoulder and her blue eyes are fast to lock with Lexa’s. Even from across the room, Clarke can physically see Lexa swallow down her words like they are stones inside her throat.

Lexa is looking at her like Clarke is the most radiant thing she has ever seen, and Clarke thinks that might only make her cheeks burn warmer along with the heat from the bath.

The Commander’s lips are parted, though only an inch, and while her body seems to be frozen in its place, her eyes slowly begin to move over the vision in front of her. 

They have seen each other nude before, though Clarke can not deny the way she loves the reaction Lexa is giving her each time she sees her. Each time reacting as if it is her first. As if it is a personal and graceful moment that she should treasure equally as much every time it happens. 

Clarke quirks a brow, the smirk stuck onto her lips and watches as Lexa visibly jolts. Her gaze shoots up to lock onto Clarke’s before she rapidly blinks her thoughts from her mind. 

“ I apologize. “ She says and Clarke lets out a light breath. The smile fades from Clarke’s lips as she swallows down the lump in the back of her throat and scoots to sit closer to the edge. She leans her arms over it, chin resting over her wrists as she keeps her stare at Lexa. 

“ It’s okay, how was the meeting? “ 

Lexa inhales deeply through her nose and clenches her jaw together. Slowly and almost hesitantly she steps closer to Clarke’s side. 

“ Long. “ The words drag themselves from the depth of Lexa’s throat, raspy and low. 

Clarke is aware of the long meeting that Lexa was supposed to have with the other ambassadors, and she can notice in the act of her movements how it has clearly tired her out. So Clarke raises her chin, blinking back in response while her eyes travel over the exhausted features in Lexa’s face. Her whole body seems tired and heavy. Her eyes look distant and Clarke always hates seeing Lexa this way. 

She tilts her head, quirks a brow before she asks, “ Do you want to join me? “ 

The taste of a small smile falls onto Lexa’s lips, barely and shortly but still enough for Clarke to notice. Her shoulders almost visibly drops before the smile fades. “ Thank you, Clarke. “ 

“ Though, I am satisfied on the side of it. “ 

Clarke nods understanding. She had not expected Lexa to join in, they rarely do bathe together. Actually, Lexa is rather private and personal when it comes to showing herself so vulnerable, with showing herself nude. Maybe that is why she reacts the way that she does each time she has walked in on Clarke. 

Nudity is personal to her, it is something that Lexa is very private about. Though, Clarke is almost surprised that she has not eased up more during all the time that they have spent together. 

Clarke clears her throat then, forcing away the thoughts before she points to the counter on the other side of the room. “ Can you give me the wash cloth? “ , she asks and Lexa immediately reacts. 

In a simple motion she follows Clarke’s path and soon enough makes her way over to get it. Her movements are slow and heavy as Clarke studies her every step. She feels bad that no matter what she does, she can not save Lexa from the heaviness and burdens of her duties. 

Clarke swallows thickly, the water splashing around her with each simple movement before she clears her throat again. “ What was the meeting about? “ She dares to ask, watching as Lexa returns with the cloth. 

Clarke is not sure how much to ask, she never does when it comes to questions about Lexa’s duties. She does not want to overstep, she does not want to burden her with more than necessary, still Clarke can not fight the curiosity within her. 

“ Winter is brewing, Clarke. “ , Lexa dips the small washcloth into the bath before slowly handing it to Clarke. 

“ I need to make sure that each clan is secured with enough supplies to last. “ She explains and Clarke slowly nods. 

She twists the cloth dry from water before slowly running it up the side of her arm. There is something hidden in the depth of Lexa’s eyes. Something that burdens her more than it should. Clarke knows her all too well to not recognize it. 

“And? “, Clarke asks and Lexa is quick to glance up. Her eyes travel between Clarke’s before Lexa slowly begins to shake her head in a simple motion. 

“ I do not know how I will manage to provide them with enough. “ She whispers. 

Clarke can almost psychically feel as her chest drops then. She can clearly notice that this is something that affects Lexa a lot. Something that she is clearly worried about. 

Clarke licks her lips and continues to run the cloth over the skin on her body, eyes glancing down to the task she is doing before she returns them back to Lexa. 

“ Well, what is the plan? “ Clarke asks and Lexa clenches her jaw by the words. Almost as if she is unsure of it herself. 

“ I will visit one of the camps in the morning to decide what they all may need. “ 

Clarke nods slowly, continuing to clean the length of her arms, soon moving up to her collarbones and chest. She can almost feel Lexa’s eyes on her, watching her every move. The tension in the room is too clear to ignore, the tension that is filled with the untold question. Clarke can almost feel it on the tip of Lexa’s tongue, screaming to be let out. 

“ Clarke? “ , Lexa whispers then, and Clarke looks back. Lexa’s eyes are glued to her own with the desire clear behind the surface. The look alone is enough to make the heat inside of Clarke’s chest only feel hotter and it is enough for her heart to race a little faster. 

“ Would you like to join me? “ 

  
  
  
  
  


_____________

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hi! So I am finally back with another chapter, I've had some work so I haven't been able to write for a while buuut in this chapter we are starting to dive a little deeper into what this storyline is going to be and I'm really excited to start with it.
> 
> I hope you enjoy it, and please let me know what you think :)

Small lights of sun flare behind her eyelids as Clarke begins to stir more awake. They warm her closed eyes as they land on her, and red dots fill her awakened sight once she finally lets her eyes flutter open. She blinks them away once the form of Lexa fades into sight. 

Relaxed and comfortable, Lexa lays on her side. Her hand up to support her head and her lips slowly pull up with a smile. _“ Hi. “_ Clarke whispers, and Lexa’s smile only grows wider. 

Her hair is fuzzy over her head, her braids are loose and more so undone. She looks _beautiful,_ and Clarke can’t help but think that all of this, feels incredibly unreal. Waking up beside Lexa, is still something she is yet to get used to. This comfort and _joy_ that Clarke experiences, still feels like a dream that Clarke fears to wake up from. 

Lexa runs her hand up the length of Clarke’s arm, she draws patterns into her bicep with her fingertips. “ You were smiling in your sleep. “ Lexa whispers before she lightly shakes her head. 

“ What is on your mind, Clarke? “ 

Clarke’s own lips tug upward, and her stomach flips at the words. She lightly blushes by the thought of Lexa’s observation yet can’t deny the incredible joy she feels. _How did she get so lucky?_

Clarke shifts in her position on the bed, scooting closer into the warmth of Lexa just slightly as she moves her hand to the mess of Lexa’s hair. She lets the strands run between her fingers, slow and softly, and she inhales deeply before she admits, “ _You. “_

The word falls from Clarke’s tongue, causing Lexa’s entire face to change. A sort of light fills the surface of her eyes and Clarke’s heart jumps by the sight. 

Smiling slowly, Clarke watches as Lexa carefully and gently leans into her embrace. Her eyes remain on Clarke until she is close enough to touch, and that is when her eyelids fall close and her lips greets Clarke’s. 

Clarke smiles into the kiss with her heart _racing_ inside of her chest. It is soft yet slightly dry. The taste of morning breath just barely there but Clarke doesn’t care. Lexa kisses her with ease and comfort. Carefully but surely. Her touches feel like fire onto Clarke’s body, and Clarke is drawn to it like a magnet. It is brutal and strong, and Clarke has to fight the urge to protest in a sigh the moment Lexa jolts away by the loud knocks onto the door. 

With her eyes remaining closed and without thought, Clarke finds herself chasing Lexa’s lips for a moment, desperately and eager. It takes a moment for her to react that Lexa’s focus has clearly turned to something else. 

Lexa shoots a stare over her shoulder and towards the doors, waiting with a growing panic for something that does not come. Everything remains just as still, and the silence is quick to set back in. 

However, once Clarke’s eyes flutter open yet again, she can not unnoticed the tension in Lexa’s body. Her eyes are sharp as knives and her body stiff under Clarke’s touch. 

Clarke joins Lexa’s stare at the door before she looks back at her again. “ Hey. “ Clarke whispers as she runs a hand up the length of Lexa’s arm. 

“ _Relax. “_

Lexa does. Slightly but not completely. Her body is still stiff above Clarke’s, and the gentleness that Clarke felt less than a minute ago, has now completely vanished from Lexa’s body. She is not nearly as relaxed. Her Commander facade has set in, shielding her from the vulnerability of the moment. 

It is clear how Lexa is still careful with the way she shows affection. She still becomes restricted and tense when others are around. She is still yet ready for that kind of public announcement, though Clarke can not blame her. She watches as Lexa closes her eyes and lets out a breath before she opens them again. 

She turns to look at Clarke. The vulnerability so clear on the surface that Clarke thinks her heart may shatter from the vision in Lexa’s eyes alone. There is a different kind of feeling soaring in the surface of her eyes. A cloud of blame and guilt, of sorrow and fear. Her eyes travel with depth between Clarke’s before she murmurs, “ The last time that I was with someone, it did not end well. “

Clarke pulls back at that. She knows whom Lexa is referring to. How the death of her previous lover still haunts her and how the scars of it has not yet healed. It will always be there. The guilt Lexa carries over Costia’s death. 

Clarke swallows down the thoughts that begin to feel like stones inside of her throat and the breath she releases shudders with ache against her ribs when she lets it out. 

“ Listen to me. “ Clarke pauses, eyes traveling deep between green. 

“ I won’t let anyone or _anything_ take me away from you. “ 

A careful smile settles to Clarke’s lips when she lets the words out. She wants Lexa to believe them.

Though, Lexa doesn’t smile. She hardly seems to notice that Clarke has spoken. She is somewhere far away in a place where Clarke can not reach her.

“ Hey, “ Clarke says softly. She cups the side of Lexa’s face, and the immediate touch manages to bring Lexa back to present. 

She blinks the thoughts from her eyes, and swallows visibly.

“ _Bilaik kom ai. “_

_“ Beja. “_

Clarke whispers the words, taking slight advantage of the words she _does_ know in hope that they will affect Lexa more than they would in her own mother tongue. 

  
  
  


___________

It became a failing attempt for Clarke to keep Lexa longer in bed. The distraction from the guards made it practically impossible for Lexa to relax again and her Commander guard was up before Clarke had time to protest. 

She more so flew out of the bed and did not waste time to inform her guards that she was soon to be ready. 

Even if Clarke wanted to, she knows that there was no use to uphold Lexa any longer. She is aware of the duties Lexa has and of the meeting that she so kindly had invited Clarke to. 

“ So.. “ Clarke begins once they both are fully dressed. 

“ Where are we going? “ 

She turns to face Lexa, watching as she clasps her shoulder piece heavily onto her body. 

Lexa’s face is undecorated from war paint, yet her black coat and heavy armor is tight around her body in a steady embrace. Her hair is thoroughly braided down her back, and Clarke is almost fascinated in how Lexa managed to do it so delicately herself. 

“ _Podakru. “_

Lexa looks up from the task she was doing once her armor piece is heavily attached to her shoulder. 

Clarke has not heard the name before, and she figures that the confusion must have been clear upon her face once Lexa lightly smiles back. 

'' The Lake Clan. “ Lexa clarifies in a language that is clearer, and Clarke nods understanding. _“ Oh. “_

“ I must examine their supplies for winter or otherwise provide them with more. “ 

Clarke nods again once Lexa informs her of her duties. She did not follow Lexa to a meeting like this last year. Living in Polis was then so new that Clarke did not even acknowledge all of the preparations that Lexa must put into making sure that every clan survives winter. 

Clarke pulls her own leather coat over her shoulders and with a touch of her hands she lets her short hair fall down over it. 

“ Do we have enough at Polis? “ 

Clarke lets out a light exhale into the coldness of the room and watches as a simple smile touches Lexa’s lips by the question. 

“ You do not need to worry about Polis, Clarke. “ 

Clarke raises her chin in an understanding and relieved motion. If one place is sufficiently secured for winter it must be the Capital. It is the Grounder’s most sacred place, it is their biggest home. 

Clarke’s heart almost drops in her chest by the new thought that arrives. She can feel it like knives on her insides, reminding her of something she has let herself forget about for months. 

She lowers her chin, staring down on the floor beneath her feet and swallows back the drought that feels like stones in her throat before she dares to ask, “ What about Arkadia? “ 

Lexa stares back, and Clarke waits before she looks back up. Her eyes find Lexa’s while the silence fills the room. 

Truthfully, Clarke has not talked about her previous home for a long time. Mostly so, because she has tried to forget about the horror that her people once caused. So much death and blood lingers in the ground inside the fences of Arkadia. So many deaths that she has tried to forget. So many people that she has let down. 

Lexa steps forward. Her legs sweep over the floor and her warm presence soon captures Clarke’s body. Lexa’s face is calm and relaxed. She is understanding and supportive in front of Clarke and Clarke gets lost in the vision of her eyes. 

“ You miss them. “ It is not a question in the way Lexa lets the words out, but rather an observation as she maps Clarke’s face. 

Clarke shrugs slowly, her eyes find the floor between them before she admits,“ I think about my mom sometimes. “ 

“ .. and my friends. “ 

Clarke looks back up, eyes meeting green before Lexa slowly nods. 

It has been months since Clarke last saw them. Octavia has been visiting Polis together with Lincoln a couple of times, though her mother has been harder to convince to come. 

“ You are welcome to invite them to Polis, Clarke. “ Lexa says softly. 

“ You are also free to return if you may wish. “ 

The words leaving Lexa’s mouth are filled with such care that they only make the air heavier to breathe and Clarke may just suffocate inside of it. She knows that Lexa only wishes for her to be comfortable and happy. She knows that Lexa is doing her best to make sure that Clarke is secured with everything she may wish for. Though truthfully, it is not the fact that Clarke _can’t_ see her family that worries her, she rather fears that they don’t _want_ to. 

After everything that’s happened, after everything that she has done. Would they really want to see her again? 

Clarke visibly swallows down the thoughts and relaxes just slightly once Lexa puts a hand onto her arm. 

“ The horses are waiting. “ Lexa explains softly. 

“ Are you ready? “ 

Clarke doesn’t say anything, though she tilts her chin down in a clear nod. Her eyes travel through the depth of Lexa’s. Supportive and understanding. This is her home now, Polis.. _Lexa._ This is where her heart is, this is the place she has always wished to be. This is the life she searched for, and it is with Lexa. 

  
  
  


__________

The trip is not far, it only takes them a couple of minutes to arrive at the clan by the lake. It is a small village with very few tents and people. Maybe that is just why Clarke has never noticed them before. They are almost hidden in the depth of the forest, still they are gifted with one of the most beautiful places Clarke has ever seen. 

Their small home is surrounded by lakes every here and there, and the sound of the water spreads a calmness in the air around it. It seems like the perfect place to live. The perfect place for children to grow. 

Clarke smiles lightly by the vision around her as she - together with Lexa and two other guards - strolls through the trees on top of their horses. She is so taken by the place that she barely even acknowledges when Lexa and the guards slide off of their horses to greet the people of the village. The people that have gathered around to greet their Commander. 

_“ Heda! “_

_“ Heda! “_

The voices of the children pull Clarke back to present as they one after the other calls out for Lexa. 

There is no denying in the way all of their eyes lit up by the visit from their Commander. Maybe they are not privileged enough to meet her very often. 

Clarke smiles by the sight. It always sets her heart on fire by watching the young warriors being so fascinated and mesmerized by Lexa. The amount of respect and admiration that these children have for her, is incredibly fascinating, and Clarke can understand why. 

She slides gently down the side of her horse and lands with a thud the moment her boots hit the ground. In awe she watches how Lexa pays close attention to greet each and every child properly and well before she then shifts her focus to the ambassador by her side. 

“ _Beja, Heda. “_

“ This way. “ 

The older man gestures for Lexa to follow him deeper into the village and in between the tents. Although, Lexa is quick to shoot a glance over her shoulder and Clarke catches her focus. 

Clarke tilts her head lightly before she responds, “ I’ll keep myself nearby. “ 

Lexa nods slowly, and soon follows her ambassador through the tents of the village together with both of her guards. 

Funny enough, the place immediately seems bigger without the presence of Lexa. The children follow Lexa as far as they can but patiently waits when they disappear inside one of the tents further away. 

It is an incredible freedom that Clarke feels wash through her veins by being able to peacefully walk through a crowded place without anyone really caring about who she is or what she has done. In this small place, she is not known as _Wanheda the mountain slayer,_ she is not even associated with Skaikru. Honestly, Clarke is not even sure if these people know who she is and where she comes from, but maybe that is just for the best. 

Clarke exhales deeply before she makes her way through the small village. It is always interesting to discover new places, because no place is like any other. These people seem so far from any reality that Clarke is known of. Here they live in a peace and stillness that Clarke always has craved for. They do not seem to care about anything that goes on outside of these lands. 

Clarke glances around, lets her eyes travel over the land. It is so empty. So still.

One older man is seen outside one of the tents, sitting still on the ground while he is working on his knife. Though he shortly stills the moment that Clarke catches the attention of his eyes. He stares, stiff and still at her, almost as if he had seen a ghost. Clarke is not sure why, for a moment she fears that maybe he does recognize her. Only then, he rapidly disappears inside the tent almost scared and in fear. _Scared of Clarke._

Clarke stops shortly. She can not deny the way her gut twists by the sudden change in the man’s face. She wants to walk over to him but stops the moment she hears the cries of pain coming from a tent just behind her. 

Clarke turns, listening to the sound of a child in pain. The cry rings between her ears and makes it feel like there is glass inside of her chest. She almost has to fight the urge to walk over to the tent but fails miserably by the curiosity within her. 

Fast and determined, does Clarke walk over to the tent before she pulls the flap open. The sight inside of it is unexpected and sudden, and the people inside seem as shocked to see Clarke. 

Three children stand inside of the tent, all turning the moment Clarke becomes clear in sight. Behind them is an older woman with another child in the embrace of her arms. The child has her head pressed against the woman’s chest and crying in pain. 

Instinctively, Clarke walks forward but stops rapidly when the people in the tent seem to become as scared as the man outside of it. 

Clarke stands still, just by the opening of the tent with a million of thoughts running through her mind. She watches as the mother pulls her child closer to her chest with her eyes as sharp as knives. 

Without thought, Clarke puts her hands in the air. “ I’m sorry. “ 

“ I won’t hurt you. “ 

The woman in front of her quirks a brow and a cloud of confusion washes over her face mixed with the terror in her eyes. She pulls the young child close to her body, and the other three begin to latch onto her as well. 

“ Ai ste.. uhm.. fisa. “ Clarke tries. She figures that their inexperience of the english language is the reason for the confusion upon their faces. 

“ _Beja_. “ Clarke says as soft as she can and this time, the mother relaxes just slightly. The fear in her eyes is still clearly there. She glances to her child before looking back up at Clarke. 

“ Sha? “ 

Clarke raises a brow in a silent question of consent. She just needs to take a look at what is wrong and maybe then she can help the girl from what is causing her obvious pain. 

Hesitantly and slowly, does the woman begin to release the grip of her child. With a nod of her chin, she gives Clarke consent to step forward, and Clarke immediately does. 

Clarke walks up close to their side, noticing how the three children carefully backs away, and even if the mother still seems unsure of her decision, she lets Clarke forward and closer to her child. 

Clarke kneels on the ground in front of them, her heart thrumming hard and fast against her ribs as she does so. Her movements are slow and delicate in fear of doing one wrong step that will scare them off. She glances up to the mother above her once she is in reach of the child. The child that is crying in pain and with brown curls glued to the sweat on her forehead. 

Clarke doesn’t say anything, but the question is clear on the surface of her eyes. _What happened to her?_

“ _Hisa. “ ,_ The woman explains then and Clarke slowly nods. 

Hesitantly and gentle she reaches for the arm that the child is holding in pain. She does not want to scare her, so while the mother calms her, Clarke gets a hold of it. 

The young girl is shaking under the touch of Clarke’s hand, her shirt hides the skin that is injured underneath so with gentle movements, Clarke begins to tug the sleeve higher over her arm to expose the skin beneath it. 

The exposed skin immediately reacts to the coldness in the tent. She shudders and shivers against Clarke’s grip, though they all remain quiet. Clarke turns the girls arm to get a look of her wrist, and her mother is carefully watching her every move. Clarke can practically feel her eyes like fire on the side of her face, burning to her core with every move she makes over her child’s body. 

Clarke doesn’t say anything. She does not mean harm to these people, she simply just wants to help. However, her heart feels caught in her throat and a full weight of the mountains falls onto Clarke’s shoulders the moment Clarke begins to scan her wrist. 

Blood lingers over her skin, streaming out from the bite mark onto her flesh, and Clarke lets out a light gasp. She can not stop herself, but the vision in front of her is too shocking not to. Her stomach flips and her heart shatters as Clarke’s fingers begin to shake. Blood. _Black_ blood. 

Clarke shoots a stare up at the mother above, eyes as full of fear as the others. The look she receives from the mother is more hurtful now that Clarke understands the meaning of it and Clarke wants to squirm and scream by it. She is _protecting_ her. 

The woman above Clarke sucks in a sharp breath before she whispers, “ Heda no dig au. “ , and Clarke stills by the words. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> translations
> 
> Bilaik kom ai - be with me ( let me know if you know a better translation for this )  
> Beja - please  
> Podakru - the lake clan  
> Heda - Commander  
> Ai ste fisa - I am a healer ( sort of )  
> Sha - yes  
> Hisa - snake  
> Heda no dig au - the commander can't know


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> so how are we feeling after Lexa's return in the final episode??? I waited for four years and still feels in shock haha!  
> Anyway it felt so good to finally see Clarke and Lexa together again, and how they look is EXACTLY how I've imagined them in the last fic '' to find comfort in a warrior's soothing soul '' and in this. Except in this, Clarke has slightly longer hair ( at least now ;) ) 
> 
> However, sorry for the long wait I'm hoping to get back to updating more soon, but I really hope you enjoy this chapter :)

A rush of fear and worry flows through the veins in Clarke’s body. Her heart beats so hard and fast against her ribs that Clarke almost fears that it is loud enough for the others to hear.

She twists the wash cloth dry in her hands before she gently begins to clean the wound over the girl’s injured skin. Clarke’s heart almost feels caught in her throat by the unsteadiness she can feel only grow heavier inside her body, and she has to thickly swallow down the dizziness it stirs. 

Clarke has heard stories about the nightbloods before. On numerous occasions has she been informed about how the children are taken from their homes to live in Polis for preparation for the upcoming Conclave. There are rules and laws about how it is done. There are rules among the Grounders that strictly have to be followed. Each person born with nightblood, has to be brought to Polis to train. No one gets a free pass out from the brutal life that the black blood brings. Clarke knows this and by the expression on the woman’s face above her, so do these people. 

Yet, these people have a nightblood child. A nightblood child that they keep hidden from the rest of the world, from Lexa. A nightblood child that they have secured from the horror of the battle of death.

Clarke sighs heavily by the thought, how will she be able to explain this to Lexa? Can she? Clarke is not sure, she does not want to put these people in danger, though the thought of lying to Lexa stirs a feeling of guilt and betrayal twist inside of her gut. 

‘’ Will she be all right? ‘’ , the deep voice breaks the tension-filled silence in the tent as the worriedly question is being asked. 

Another man has joined them. A man that must be close to the family, Clarke figured once she noticed how calm the woman became of his presence. Luckily for Clarke, he is one of the few that uses a language she is able to understand better. A language she is more familiar with. 

Clarke nods slowly, running the cloth over the young girl’s wrist. ‘’ She will be.’’ 

‘’ By the look of the bite marks it doesn’t seem to have been a venomous snake.’’ 

The man hovering above her nods slowly in pace with the words Clarke lets out. A feeling of a slight relief clouds the features of his face before he begins to explain what Clarke had just told him to the others in the tent, though in a language that they are more familiar with. 

The woman in front of Clarke lets out a long breath, closing her eyes and only pulls the girl closer to her chest in relief and joy. Clarke tries to not think about anything else than this family’s gratitude at this moment. She does not want to think about the heaviness it causes or the problems it brings. She does not want the anxious thought of having to explain this to Lexa to cross her mind, not yet. 

Instead, Clarke lets her lips curl up in a genuine and comforting smile.

‘’ She’ll be okay. ‘’ , Clarke assures and the woman is fast to open her eyes again. Eyes that are blistered with relief and gratefulness. Eyes that Clarke gets drawn to the second they lock with hers. Eyes that are screaming for Clarke to keep this secret safe and secured with them. 

Clarke licks the dryness of her lips then before she removes her gaze from the heaviness in the woman’s. She pulls away slightly only to reach for a fabric cloth beside her. A cloth that is not as soaked by the water or blood as the other. A cloth that is cleaner and will help in healing the wound. 

‘’ She will need to keep this hidden. ‘’ Clarke begins in a heavy exhale. 

” Change the cloth every now and then and keep close watch on the wound in case of infections. “ 

Clarke glances up on the man behind her, on the man she knows is the only one to really understand what she says. 

“ If she shows signs of illness or any symptoms, you need to seek a healer immediately. “ 

The tone of Clarke’s voice is determined and strong, yet she needs these people to understand the seriousness of the situation. It has been a while since Clarke last pursued medicine, and she is somewhat uneducated about the topics of snake bites. Even if she is quite sure that the wound is not dangerous, she can still not be completely sure. 

Clarke rises to her feet after she has secured the cloth tightly around the girl’s wrist. It will do for a while, at least long enough for the wound to stop bleeding. It is at least enough to stop bacteria from getting in. 

With a heavy breath, Clarke lets her eyes wander over the strangers in the tent. With shaky lungs and a trembling heart, Clarke watches the tears seek attachment on the young girl’s cheeks. She watches the older woman lightly rock her child in the embrace of her arms and the three other children latch on onto her side. 

A cloud of sorrow and fear sets onto the rhythm of her heart. It pulls her down to the heaviest of places. Drowning her to the brutalness the secret brings. Clarke can not tell Lexa about this. Not because she does not trust her, though because she does not trust their way and how they will choose to deal with it. How Lexa’s men, how _Titus_ , will force Lexa to deal with this. She tries not to imagine the kind of cruelty she might bring these people if she lets Lexa’s men know. Clarke can not take that chance, and she does not want to put Lexa in the middle of it either. Keeping this from her, may be the best for everyone. 

  
  
  


**_____________**

Lexa returns to the horses by the same time Clarke does. Though with a feeling of guilt and betrayal far less from the one Clarke returns carrying, and instead with two tall guards and a thankful ambassador that still seem to be in the middle of a busy conversation. 

Clarke meets Lexa’s gaze with just a quick glance at first. A light of joy spreads over the features in Lexa’s face, discreet and delicate and Clarke hates the way she almost has to force herself to lightly smile back. 

There is a familiar feeling of guilt that travels to every muscle in her body. A feeling similar to every time she has hidden something from Lexa before, or being overall just hypocritical against her. The word echoes like a broken record inside of her brain now, reminding her of the time she accused Lexa of being the liar. Though, funny enough, Clarke has always found herself being it herself. Maybe she projected the feelings about herself onto Lexa in a time where she could not face it herself. 

Because Clarke feels hypocritical and she feels like a liar. She feels guilty, and almost ashamed. All of the times when she has been wanting Lexa to be open and honest to her. All the times when she has craved for Lexa to let go of their harsh ways and instead _trust_ her. It does now not feel right to be the one lying to her, and _keeping_ this from her. 

Clarke swallows the drought from her throat, eyes attached to the ground and in no want or dare to meet Lexa’s. 

“ Thank you. “ 

“ I will return with your supplies in the morning. “ 

Lexa’s voice echoes in blur through Clarke’s ears and into the air surrounding them. She tries not to think about how innocent and gentle it sounds, because she is aware of how it will only make the secret harder to keep. Instead, Clarke gets a hold of the reins of her horse and with one leg after the other she pulls herself up on the back of her horse. 

Her heart burns with the fire from the woman’s eyes. The woman who so strongly tried to protect her child from being taken. From the woman who has possibly only feared for the Commander and her men to visit their small village. Clarke can not forget their relief once they realised that Clarke was not there to hurt them, nor to take their child away from them. And the reminder of it, stings with ache inside of her chest now. It makes her build a blame inside of herself. A blame from keeping this from the one person she normally would _want_ to tell. 

Lexa says something to the other men then, in a language that Clarke still has a hard time to fully understand, though that she would not hear either way from the blur in her mind before Lexa, together with her guards gets up on the back of their own horses. 

Truthfully, Clarke is more than ready to leave this camp. Because the place that was just minutes ago filled with a calm and dreamlike energy, is now heavy with the burdens and secrets it holds, and Clarke does not want to be submerged inside of it. 

She smacks her thighs harder against the sides of her horse, steering it to the path of the forest, hearing Lexa say goodbye to the rest behind her. Clarke tries her best to wash the feelings away, to keep them hidden so deep inside of her that she almost throws up by the sickness it stirs. She hears Lexa ride up close behind her, obvious and clear. Her presence feels warmer in a second and Clarke heavily closes her eyes by it. 

She feels Lexa’s gaze like a spark of fire on the side of her face once she has rode up close enough to see her. Her eyes burn with worry and questions she does not ask. Questions that Clarke can almost hear anyway. The feeling of Lexa’s eyes burn to her core as they travel over every feature in Clarke’s face. 

“ You are quiet. “ , Lexa’s voice breaks the silence then. Low and careful she lets the words out in a statement that is not a question, but rather an accurate observation. 

“ Are you all right? “ 

Clarke licks the dryness of her lips, clearing her throat from the thickness that stirred before she dares to glance over at Lexa. 

Lexa’s face is relaxed and calm. It is soft and full of support and understanding, and Clarke might just have to force herself to not drown in the depth of it. 

“ Yeah. “ , She murmurs quickly, shaking the thoughts away before she returns her eyes to the path ahead. 

“ Just hungry. “ 

Lexa nods slowly, and honestly, Clarke is not sure if she fully believed the words. However, the answer seems to have been convincing enough as Lexa decides not to ask more about it. Because honestly, there is some truth to the words she let out. They did not have time to eat anything before they left and the growling coming clear and strong from Clarke’s stomach is only reminding her of it. It is reminding her of the food she is craving, it is reminding her of all the things she can’t forget, of all the things she _can’t_ hide from Lexa. 

“ The food will be prepared when we return to Polis. “ 

Clarke let’s her eyes glance over to Lexa then and warm and welcoming, does Lexa look back. Eyes filled with an understanding and with a gentleness that Clarke never wants to be away from. The smile sneaking to Clarke’s own lips by the consolation Lexa provides, it is too strong for Clarke to ignore. She lets the smile set and watches as Lexa’s own lips bend up in a hidden smile, and it is just then, with the absolute warmth Lexa radiates that Clarke begins to understand that keeping this from Lexa, may just be way harder than she thought.

  
  
  


**___________**

The ride back to Polis solely consisted of a lifelong silence and none important words. Clarke knows how Lexa, _or the Grounders in general,_ do normally not mind the silence, yet something about _their_ silence tells Clarke that even Lexa is aware of the uncomfortableness it created this time. However, she did not try to break it. She rather let Clarke have a minute with her thoughts, thinking that maybe she needed it and honestly, Clarke probably did. 

Now though, with stone walls around them that capture every bit of a loud thought between them, Clarke can not think about anything but _how_ uncomfortable the silence has become. 

The only thing she can focus on is their silent chewing, the loud footsteps coming outside of Lexa’s dinner room. The flickering of the candles around them and the hissing sound each time Lexa’s knife hits her plate. The sounds do not necessary bother her, it is only how suddenly obvious they have become by the tension, _that Clarke has created_ , that makes her incredibly uncomfortable. 

“ So.. “ Clarke starts then and Lexa seems as surprised by the sudden break of the silence as Clarke feels. She looks up from the food in front of her, meeting Clarke’s gaze with eyes more than ready for what Clarke wants to say, and Clarke almost revels in the feeling of it. She can not deny the way her heart trembles by the softness in Lexa’s eyes, and all of this, feels incredibly unfair to keep from her. 

Clarke clears her throat then, trying to not devour into the gentleness Lexa lets out. Almost hating herself for how hard it is to do so. 

‘’ I heard that you will return to camp again tomorrow? ‘’

Clarke does not mean for the words to come out in more of a question than a statement when she lets them out, yet she can not stop herself for _how_ the words escape her lips. Careful and almost forced, and Clarke hopes that Lexa does not notice how incredibly obvious they are. Though, Lexa soon returns her focus to the food in front of her. 

‘’ Yes, I leave early, though only with a few supplies. “ 

Clarke nods slowly. She hates the tension between them. The tension she has caused. The tension that Lexa does not under any circumstances deserve. She is so deep into her thoughts and the heaviness they cause that Clarke does not even realise when Lexa looks back up. A small and careful smile building in the corner of her lips. Hesitantly and gentle.

“ You do not need to join me if you would rather prefer sleep, Clarke. “ 

Clarke blinks her eyes to present, meeting Lexa’s soft and somewhat teasing gaze before she forces herself to smile. 

She knows that Lexa is trying, trying so hard to lighten up the tension that is clearly growing heavier by each minute. She tries to lighten up the mood with her careful playfulness and her light teasing, and Clarke hates how the guilt she feels only grows stronger by it. By seeing Lexa in front of her. So innocent from the secrets she keeps. From the secrets that will force her to make brutal and almost impossible choices if she finds out. 

“ _Lexa_. “ The name stutters from Clarke’s tongue, raspy and low before she puts down the fork and knife from her hands. She places them beside the plate before she slightly leans with her chest over the table. 

Lexa’s eyes capture her attention, patiently waiting. 

“ What happens if someone keeps a nightblood child hidden? “

Clarke can not deny the way the sentence feels like stones in her throat when she lets it out or how her heart throbs almost painfully hard in wait for Lexa’s response. Because deep down she knows, _she knows,_ what happens, yet she is waiting for Lexa’s response to somehow turn out different. Only Clarke’s heart shatters to pieces moments later once Lexa finally responds with an answer Clarke knew she should have expected.

“ The nightblood is taken here to train and the others are often sentenced to death. “ The sentence falls from Lexa’s lips, expected yet disappointing. Clarke figures that it must have been clear upon the features on her face how her chest completely sunk by Lexa’s words the moment Lexa lowers her chin and leans slightly closer. 

“ Why? “ She asks softly.

Clarke forces herself to meet Lexa’s eyes. With her own eyes that burn with worry and guilt. With burden and heaviness. With everything that Clarke craves Lexa to support yet with everything that she has to hide. She wants to tell Lexa. Though she does not trust the cruelty of their traditions of nightbloods to do so. Instead, Clarke suppresses it. Each emotion and each thought of it. She suppresses it so deep that she fears that she may suffocate inside of it, and if it weren’t for the doors that open next, Clarke almost fears that the softness and understanding in Lexa’s gaze would have made her spill out all of it.

Instead, they both turn to glance over at the doors. Both watching as one of Lexa’s tall guards steps inside. His eyes travel between the two, shifting from Clarke and then over to his Commander again. They are usually not interrupted while they eat, and Clarke is almost certain that each of Lexa’s guards are ordered to not interrupt these moments. 

“ My apologies, Heda. “ The man speaks then, and Clarke shoots a careful almost hidden glance over at Lexa. She has lowered both her knife and her fork and slightly raised her chin in a solid posture. 

“ Though, you have a visitor that insisted on being let in. “ 

Lexa nods slowly, and Clarke remains seated only to watch as Lexa rises to her feet. She clasps her hands behind her back, steady and clear. 

“ Thank you, “ she begins softly.

‘’ Please,,” 

“ Let them in. ‘’ 

Lexa lightly gestures with one hand in front of her body to let her guard invite the guest inside of the room. It is only with a tilt of his chin and with the final permission from his Commander that he steps aside to give the visitor a free pass to step inside. Only when they do, Clarke feels as if her heart stops inside of her chest. Her muscles become tense and her body numb as ice. Her breath almost feels caught in her throat when the shorter figure steps inside and Clarke lets her eyes dance over each familiar feature. It is warm and familiar. Comforting and soothing, and Clarke revels in the feeling of it before the word stumbles from the tip of her tongue. 

‘’ _Mom_. ‘’ 

The word leaves her mouth in a breath of air as her eyes, after months apart, finally meet her mother’s. Anything other than the sight of her mother suddenly becomes only blur and background around her. Because after months of being apart, now here she stands. Real and breathing. Alive and well. 

Clarke pushes herself off the chair and runs towards her mother. To her mother that is smiling so wide that her eyes squint. To her mother that has her arms open the moment Clarke throws herself into her arms. She throws her arms around Abby’s neck, closing her eyes by the incredible warmth and the familiar scent of home she radiates. She closes her eyes the moment she can both feel and clearly hear Abby let out a heavy breath against her, probably feeling just as overwhelmed as Clarke by her sudden arms around her. 

Truth be told, Clarke has missed her mother. She has missed that motherly feeling she radiates and oddly enough, she has quite missed her familiar stubbornness too. 

Clarke pulls away from her mother, though her hands remain steady onto her upper arms while a smile occupies larger portions of her face. 

“ What are you doing here? “ Clarke asks, joyful and with ease until an incredible weight falls onto her shoulders and the reality hits. She steps back slightly, studying every feature of her mother’s face. 

“ What are you doing here? “ She repeats, this time with words heavy by worry and fear. 

Abby swallows back the smile, though her eyes seem just as joyful and calm as she begins to tug a strand of hair behind Clarke’s ear. 

“ I wanted to see you. “ 

“ Is everything okay? “ 

Clarke scans Abby’s face, and searches her body from injuries before she has time to acknowledge it herself. Though Abby soon gets a firm grip of Clarke’s upper arms. 

“ Clarke, everything is fine. “ 

“ I only wanted to see you. “ 

Clarke smiles widely. Relieved by the knowledge that her mother is okay, still confused as to why she is suddenly visiting Polis. Has something happened back in Arkadia? Is she here to bring Clarke back home? _Home_. It feels wrong and unusual to describe Arkadia as home. It isn’t. Not anymore, and it hasn’t been for a long time. 

Clarke swallows down the smile together with the thickness in her throat before she turns back to look at Lexa. She stands by the side off the table. Hands locked behind her back and watches the exchanged greeting between Clarke and her mother. 

“ Abby. “ Lexa acknowledges her with a tilt of her chin, and Abby lightly nods back with a small smile stuck in the corner of her lips. 

The tension that had kept the walls occupied since Clarke and Lexa returned from camp suddenly feels lighter, and Clarke is thankful that her mother is able to remove the heavy thoughts for just a moment. 

Clarke smiles lightly by the politeness in Lexa’s greeting, feeling on fire by watching the two most important people in her life in the same room. Though she soon clears her throat and returns her focus back to her mother. 

“ Do you want to eat? “ Clarke offers before she gestures for the seat beside hers, although her mother politely declines, “ No, thank you. “ She says with a shake of her head.

She sucks in a breath, a breath that rattles between her teeth when she lets it back out. Careful and softly.

“ Can we talk? “


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I got in such a mood to write so I'm already back with a new chapter haha! This chapter is a little longer so sorry about that, I really hope that you will enjoy it and please let me know what you think. :) 
> 
> Anyway enjoy!

Clarke continues to guide Abby through the empty halls of the tower. Happily showing her each corner of her new given home. Of everything that now has become part of herself. She tries to enjoy the moment, of watching her mother inside the walls of her home. Observing everything carefully and clear, almost as if it is the first time she visits. 

Clarke tries to enjoy it, she does. Though she can not let go of the guilt she feels clearly sneak up to her core. It has been thirteen months. Thirteen months since Clarke last saw her mother. She has not visited Arkadia since she left, nor has she invited Abby to come. Clarke feels selfish for it now. All of the times when she could have reached out to her mother, still chose not to. She feels guilty for those choices now. It is an easy excuse to say that she was too caught up in Polis. Too caught up with Lexa and the peace she has found. Too caught up with everything that hasn’t been a burden or associated with Arkadia or death. 

“ Nice tattoo. “ Abby breaks the silence then, a disapproving smirk hiding on the thin line of her lips as she glances over at Clarke. 

Clarke is taken aback for a moment, surprised by the sudden reaction of something she herself has almost forgotten. Of something that has begun to feel so much like a part of her now that she rarely ever acknowledges it anymore. 

_“ Oh. “_

She looks down onto the inside of her wrist. The sleeve of her blue shirt ends just below her elbow, giving a clear sight of the exposed tattoo underneath. The black ink is still there. Still clear on the surface of her skin. 

“ Lexa’s idea? “ 

“ Trikru tradition. “ Clarke explains and Abby nods understanding. 

Honestly, Clarke first spent so much time fearing her mother’s reaction to the tattoo. Not that it would change her mind about getting it, but rather that she would want her mother’s approval of it. Deep down, she wanted it and Clarke figures that she always has. When she first got it, or thought about getting it, Clarke had almost expected disappointed lectures about the mistakes she’s making. Now though, her mother seems surprisingly calm by the notice of it. 

Clarke forces away the smile that begins to linger in the corner of her lip by the thought before they round a corner to Clarke’s old bedroom. The doors to it are heavily closed and the air inside almost terribly cold once they step inside. It is dark and abandoned. Cold and empty. Still everything looks the same. 

They rarely ever occupy the room any longer. Lexa and Clarke both spend the majority of their time in Lexa’s room. It is where they sleep, where they bathe, and overall just relax. And when she is not there, Clarke is often occupied in her painting room or out on training lessons with Aden. She hasn’t had any use of the room for a long time. Now, the only thing that fills it is the silence. 

“ Uh, I‘ll make sure to bring you supplies and get the room ready. “ 

For some reason, Clarke almost feels stuck in her position. Caught red handed. A familiar feeling of feeling irresponsible sneaks up to her core when her mother notices the abandoned room. She feels stuck by the realisation that she with one act probably proved to her mother that she is in fact, sleeping with Lexa, in Lexa’s room. Much like her mother probably already has figured out. 

Abby lets out a small chuckle then, a chuckle that more comes out in a breath of air as her eyes scan the room before she turns back to Clarke. 

“ Don’t worry, I’ll only be staying for the night, I have to go back to Arkadia. “ 

“ So soon? “ 

The words come out disappointing and weak as Clarke guides them out. She does not mean for them to come out that way, though the ache that sets in her chest won’t allow anything else. 

Abby tilts her head lightly with a soft breath leaving her lungs. She steps closer, her hand sneaking up to softly caress the side of Clarke’s cheek and Clarke sinks down in the feeling of it. 

“ I only came because I couldn’t bear not seeing my daughter any longer. “ 

“ I needed to see that you are okay. “ 

Clarke forces herself to smile lightly. She has actually missed this. Her mother. 

Coming to Polis, _living_ here, was so new and exciting at first. So full of peace and comfort that Clarke was so unfamiliar with that she could not restrain it. She pushed away everything that reminded her of the brutal wars. The heavy responsibilities. She forced herself to forget all of that and instead let herself be submerged by the love of Polis. She let herself forget about everything that was connected to Arkadia and the memories within, that including her mother. She let herself forget about all of it in hope of finding a better life for herself. 

Abby lets her thumb caress the skin over Clarke’s cheek then in a simple motion. 

“ You look skinnier, are you eating well? “ 

Clarke sighs, of course her mother would worry. 

“ Trust me, I’m eating well and practicing each day. “ Clarke jokes lightly, though the truth of the words lies within the sentence. 

“ Practicing? “ Abby asks and Clarke shakes her head. “ I, never mind. “

The words die deep in her throat. There is no use to explain it. No use to explain to Abby how Clarke has begun to take training lessons with a nightblood child in hope that he will make her a more skilled warrior. Clarke has never had interest for it before, and Clarke is certain that her mother would not understand it now. 

Abby does not ask more about it either, thankfully, Clarke figures. Instead she tugs a strand of hair behind Clarke’s ear, following the motion of her fingers with her eyes. 

“ But your hair has surely grown. “ 

Clarke huffs lightly, hiding the raise of her eyebrows with a tilt of her chin before her own hands come up to brush through the matted hair. It is true though. It has grown. Not much but surely longer than when Clarke last saw her mother. Honestly, Clarke has not paid too much attention to it. Not taken as much care of it as Abby used to do for her when she was young. Clarke almost misses it, and does not think about it when she asks, “ Wanna help me take care of it again? “ 

  
  
  


**____________**

Clarke closes her eyes, a light exhale escaping from the back of her throat by the incredible comfortableness her mother provides with her fingers tangled in the mess of Clarke’s hair. 

Her back hurts just a little from sitting still in her position on the cold and hard floor as Abby continuously washes her hair, but Clarke doesn’t care. She lets her mother take care of it. Lets her mother wash through her matted hair, lets her brush lightly through the wet strands before she slowly and carefully cuts one after the other off. Making it shorter and shorter as more of Clarke’s blonde hair piles up on the floor between them. 

They haven’t said much. Not anything important at least. It has only been meaningless words to fill the silence. Though there is a clear tension behind the surface. A tension that Clarke almost fears to break. Why is her mother here? Why now? Clarke gulps by the thought, slowly opening her eyes. 

The space around them in Clarke’s own bathroom is quite dark. A few candles here and there, but Earth does not provide them with much light anyway during the cold seasons of the year. The candles are now all that they have. All they have to provide them with both light and heat. However, this room does not feel warm at all. The floor they’re both sitting on is cold and it sneaks through their layers of clothing and into their skin. 

Clarke hears from behind her how Abby dips the comb she has into a bowl of water before she can comfortably feel it in the strands of her now short hair again. There is an undeniable silence, filled with a tension that is no longer comfortable. 

She draws a breath to her lungs then, preparing the question that lingers upon the tip of her tongue before she asks, “ Mom, has something happened in Arkadia? “ 

Abby goes still and silent behind her for a moment then. It is more than noticeable how stiff she becomes even if Clarke can not directly see her. 

“ No. “

“ I just wanted to see you. “ 

“ _Mom_. “ 

Clarke turns then, glancing over her shoulder to greet her mother’s eyes and Abby immediately retracts from the work in Clarke’s hair. She sighs deeply, and Clarke let’s her eyes travel deep between Abby’s almost in search of an answer. 

She notices as Abby pulls away just slightly, glancing down onto her own lap almost if she is hesitant on if she should let the next words out or not. 

“ It’s Kane. “ Abby speaks then and Clarke stills. A rush of fear flows through her veins and she does her best to read the changes upon her mother’s face. However, Clarke is somewhat surprised once Abby then lets out a nervous laugh and looks up again. A laugh that dies in her throat the moment her eyes meet Clarke’s and the serious expression is clear upon her face again. 

Abby sighs, licking the dryness of her lips, searches for some kind of permission in Clarke’s eyes before she continues. 

“ He wants us to be together. “ 

Abby almost whispers the words. Whispers them almost as in fear of Clarke’s reaction to them. Although, Clarke pulls back. Surprised and relieved by the meaning it holds. Surprised and relieved by the fact that it was not what she had expected at all. She had expected another death. Another cruel outcome, so the shock must have been clear upon her face when Clarke completely stills by the words. 

Her mouth hangs half agape, eyes filled with light and surprise as she glances over every feature of Abby’s face. Honestly, she had not expected it. Kane and her mother together. 

She has not been around Arkadia nor been with them enough to notice their interactions and clear development, though she remembers clearly how they used to envy each other on the Ark. Abby almost hated Kane as much as he disliked her. 

“ Oh. “ Is all that leaves Clarke’s mouth then. All that can travel through the surprise and shock in her body. 

There is a warmth to her hand then as Abby’s hand gently finds hers. 

“ It’s just that everything with your father..-“

“ Mom. “ , Clarke cuts her off. Eyes sharpening as she turns to face her mother more clearly. It is just now sinking into her as to _why_ her mother has come. She is here for her approval. 

Clarke shakes her head lightly, eyes staring into the depth of Abby’s. It has been years since her dad passed. Clarke does not expect her mom to be alone for the rest of her life. If she has found someone, even Kane, Clarke is more than thrilled for her. She deserves happiness, Clarke wants her to have it. She does not need to come here to seek Clarke’s permission for it. 

“ It’s okay. “ Clarke reassures. 

Her eyes travel between the depth of her mother’s, letting the words sink in. 

“ I want you to be happy. “ 

Abby smiles, barely but it is clearly there on the surface of her face that is soon covered with an expression of relief. Her shoulders almost visibly sinks as she lets out a breath. 

Clarke is about to say something more when the loud voices of Lexa’s guards quickly interrupts them from outside of the room. They talk loud and heavy which makes both of them lose focus of the moment. They discuss something that is too vague for either of them to hear before it lightly fades as they walk down the hallway again. 

Abby turns to Clarke then, and Clarke can feel her mother’s eyes like fire on the side of her face before she asks, “ Are you happy? “ 

Clarke returns her mother’s gaze then, eyes locking calm and comforting. Last time they saw each other, it had been somewhat different. They haven’t seen each other since Clarke packed a bag and left Arkadia. Left everything within its walls, and her mother. She told her she would convert to the Trikru clan and then just left, leaving Abby with probably a thousand questions and a lot of worry. She did that to her. Too caught up in her emotions, she just left her mother behind and did not care to reach out again. 

Clarke exhales heavily before she begins to think of the reason as to _why_ she did it. She did it all for Lexa. All for the one person she began to fall so in love with. For the one person that could give Clarke a life that she dreamed of. It was here in Polis, with Lexa and Clarke has not once regretted her decision. That’s why Clarke raises her chin then, before she responds, “ I am. “ 

She can not stop the smile that settles to her lips by the one thought of Lexa. Truthfully, she has never been happier. Polis, _Lexa.._ is her happiness, and if her mother gets to experience anything like it, even with someone that isn’t her dad, then Clarke is more than happy for her. 

Abby smiles too. Sharing the joy of the moment and the relief that her daughter is doing well and has found her peace. There is a stillness that captures them then, a silence that suddenly feels heavier and Clarke does not enjoy the way it makes the features of Abby’s face change. Her lips pull into a thin line and her eyes lose their spark of joy. 

“ I’m sorry I haven’t come. “ Abby whispers then and the smile upon Clarke’s lips fades too. The words hold such meaning, and Clarke knows that they are genuine as they begin to ache inside of her chest. 

She swallows down the words, brows furrowing on top of her forehead before she takes a new breath. “ Me too. “ she lets out through the thickness in her throat. 

It goes both ways. Clarke knows that. It is not only her mom’s fault that they haven’t seen each other. It is not like Lexa has held her hostage here in the walls of Polis. Clarke hasn’t left because she simply hasn’t wanted to. Because honestly, she hasn’t been thinking much about it. 

Clarke blinks away the burning in her eyes then from tears that have not yet come. She blinks them away before she rises to her feet. 

“ It’s been a long trip, you should rest. “ 

Abby rises to her feet too with a soft sigh coming from her lips. “ Yeah. “ 

Clarke brushes the last bit of hair strands from her lap that has fallen since her mother cut them off. Looking down, there is a whole pile of them on the floor between them. 

“ It looks good. “ Abby says then and a light laugh more coming out in a breath of air escapes Clarke’s lips then. It eases the heaviness in the room before Clarke turns serious again and looks back at her mother. 

Eyes travel deep between each other, a heaviness clearly there. A heaviness of relief yet longing. A heaviness of gratitude and joy. 

“ Thank you. “ Clarke responds softly. 

They both know that the words hold more meaning than just a thank you as response to Abby’s comment. It is a thank you for coming, thank you for letting me see you. Thank you for being supportive and a thank you for everything you have done. Abby knows it as well as Clarke when the words leave her mouth. 

  
  
  
  


**______________**

  
  


Clarke returns to Lexa’s room a while later. After she made sure to prepare her own room comfortable enough for Abby to spend the night in. She walks back to Lexa’s room with a feeling so deep carved into her core that she can not let go of. The mixed feelings of how it feels to have her mother back here. It feels weird and unusual to know that her mom is just in the other room across the hall from Lexa’s. To know that after a year apart, she is finally here. Like two worlds collide. Her history and future. Only Clarke wonders if they will ever be able to be the same. Will she be able to mix the two? The parts of her that still belong to Skaikru, her history, her friends and her family? And the parts of her that belong to her future and present. Lexa, Polis, the Grounders. 

Clarke sighs heavily by the overwhelming thoughts before she reaches for Lexa’s doors and slowly opens them. 

Lexa’s room is bigger, warmer. It is more filled with a feeling of home and safety. Though it isn’t until she notices Lexa, sitting on the couch in the middle of the room with lots of different maps and papers in front of her that the same tension returns. 

The tension that Clarke let herself forget about for only a while. The guilt she carries over the secret she almost had forgotten. It only returns the moment her eyes land on Lexa. 

Clarke’s heart aches by the sight of her. By the blame she feels for lying to her, and it only gets worse when Lexa looks up and a small smile finds its place in the softness of her lips. 

“ You cut your hair. “ 

The words are more of an observation than anything else, and Clarke is reminded of the last time Lexa saw her with her hair cut off to her shoulders. She had reacted somewhat the same then. 

Clarke huffs lightly, the smile spreading wide yet painful upon her lips as she begins to walk closer. 

“ Hope you still like it. “ Clarke tries to joke through the tension that is still clear between them, though Lexa does not laugh. Her eyes remain glued to Clarke, with such support before she raises a brow. 

“ The style of your hair does not affect your beauty, Clarke. “ 

Clarke doesn’t really have to force the next smile that settles to her lips. It comes natural and genuine as a reaction of Lexa’s gentleness. She is so caring with her, which only makes lying to her even worse. 

With a heavy exhale, Clarke forces away the words before she lightly gestures for the doors behind her. 

“ I gave her my room for now, she’ll only be staying for the night. “ 

Lexa nods slowly, remaining serious and supportive on her position on the couch. 

“ Are you okay? “ She asks then, and Clarke lets out a heavy breath. 

She has clearly noticed the tension between them as much as Clarke has, and Clarke has almost dreaded Lexa to say the words. Because it only makes fighting the urge to tell her everything so much harder. She wants to tell her about the nightblood. About the family that only wanted help. But she fears if she does, Lexa’s duty as Commander will force her to do something that Clarke can not allow. 

Instead, Clarke swallows down the words that begin to feel glued to the thickness in her throat before she walks over and takes a seat beside Lexa on the couch. She forces herself to turn the topic to something else. Forces herself to make it be about something she _can_ talk about. 

She sighs, feeling Lexa shift slightly beside her with eyes that burn to the side of her face. 

“ I guess I never realized how much I missed her until now. “ 

“ I just left, you know? “

Clarke looks up then, meeting Lexa’s eyes, watching as Lexa tilts her chin down and blinks back in response. That is the only answer Clarke needs for her to know that Lexa _does_ understand. And a heavy reminder rings in the back of her mind then of a conversation that Clarke had almost forgotten. 

She runs the palms of her hands down her own thighs, breathing heavily by the question she fears to ask. Lexa’s eyes are just so warm, so understanding and gentle, and Clarke does not want to ever see them greet pain. Yet she can not let go of the curiosity that fills her veins. 

“ Do you ever miss your parents? “ 

Clarke lets the question fall from her tongue, watching as Lexa clearly stills and her eyes drop. There is a clear tightness in the line of her jaw that Clarke has seen more than once before. 

She fears that maybe she shouldn’t have asked. But Lexa has never talked about her family before. She has talked about Costia, _briefly,_ but rather avoids that conversation as well. 

“ You never talk about them. “ Clarke tries again, the hard swallow down Lexa’s throat is more than noticeable a moment later. 

“ Did they die before you became Commander? “ 

“ My father did. “ 

Lexa’s voice is soft, so soft as she lets the words out. They are surprising and painful as they slip from her tongue and her eyes even more so when she glances back up. 

There is a pain clear on the surface of her eyes that Clarke has not seen before. A pain that Lexa is trying to fight away from. Clarke can tell by the way Lexa’s jaw tightens and her lips twitch. 

“ Not your mom? “ 

Clarke is not sure if she should continue, but she knows that if Lexa did not want to talk about it, she already would have told her. And the simple shake of her head a moment later, gives Clarke some kind of permission that she is okay to keep the conversation going. 

“ No. “ Lexa says softly. 

“ She died a year after I ascended. “ 

“ How? “ 

Clarke’s brow quirks before Lexa lets out a light exhale, clearly still hurting by the memories that greets her. 

“ The Mountain. “ 

Lexa forces the words out, painful and raw. Clarke raises her chin lightly. She shouldn’t be surprised that even Lexa is somehow a victim to the Mountain. That she has also lost someone special to it. There are painful memories that repeat in her own mind by the mention of the name. Images of how the Mountain Men took advantage of the Grounders spins inside of her mind. Thinking about how Lexa’s own mother was a victim to them, a victim to the torture they pursued to get their bone marrow. Clarke becomes nauseous just by the thought. 

“ I’m sorry. “ She whispers, brows furrowed on her forehead, watching as Lexa slowly shakes her head. 

“ It was a long time ago. “ 

Clarke licks the dryness off her lips and swallows back the thickness that feels like stones inside of her throat. It doesn’t matter how long ago it was, it doesn’t make it okay or any less hurtful. 

“ Still, you’ve had so many losses in your life. “ 

“ I have. “ 

Lexa agrees softly. 

Clarke does not even want to think about all of the people that Lexa has lost. She has probably lost more loved ones than anyone Clarke knows. Her parents, Costia, Anya,, even Gustus was important to her. It hurts Clarke to know that two of those deaths are their fault. Skaikru. That if they never came down here, Lexa would still have Anya and Gustus. 

Clarke wants to vomit by the nausea it stirs, did they do that to her? Is Clarke responsible for those deaths as well? 

She fights the burning in her eyes before she draws in a new breath. A breath that shudders against her ribs before she tries again. 

“ Did she know Costia? “ 

Clarke tries to change the subject, but Lexa is quick to shake her head and blink her own burning from her eyes. She must be as affected by this conversation as Clarke, probably even way worse. 

“ Can we talk about something else? “ 

The words escape her lips raspy and low before Lexa rises from the couch. She gathers the maps into the palms of her hands before walking over with them to one of the drawers in the other end of the room. 

Clarke is not surprised that Lexa chose to shrug away from the conversation. She tends to avoid talking about stuff that brings her pain as much as possible. Clarke has tried to talk about Costia before, but even then, Lexa did not say much. She never does. Now, Clarke can feel it like a punch to her gut. It makes her breathing heavier and her heart ache as it tries to beat. 

Clarke runs a hand through her now short hair before she fights through the lump in the back of her throat. 

“ I’m sorry. “ She murmurs. 

She is. She is sorry. She is sorry that Lexa has had to deal with all of that pain, that she _still_ carries that pain. And she is sorry that she reminded her of it. 

Maybe Lexa will never be able to let go of her ghosts, and of the burden and pain they bring with their memories. But either way, Clarke will always be here with her through it. 

Clarke rises to her feet then, walking closer to Lexa with determined steps. However, Lexa doesn’t move. She has barely even acknowledged Clarke’s apology. Or maybe she feels too hurt to respond. Instead, she stands still by the drawers and becomes rather stiff under her touch when Clarke lets her hands slide around her waist. 

Lexa’s body is warm against her own, and a heavy breath is released from her lungs in a heavy tremble the moment Clarke puts her hands around her and rests her cheek onto her back. 

The touch is comforting and soothing. It is supportive and understanding, and maybe Clarke needs it as much as Lexa. At least Clarke thinks so. So she closes her eyes, drowning in the feeling of Lexa and of the scent of home her body radiates. Drowning in the way she can feel the form of Lexa’s muscular curves under her fingertips or the warmth of her skin when Lexa’s hands are placed over her own. This, Clarke figures, _this_ is all she has ever needed. 

  
  
  
  
  


**____________**

Clarke is not sure what time it is when she wakes hours later. But there is a clear change of temperature around her when she does. The air in the room is cold against her skin, yet the warmth of Lexa is so warm against her. 

They must have fallen asleep on the couch, somewhere along the reading Lexa was doing. Because now, the book is well placed on Lexa’s stomach held steady by her hand, and Clarke finds herself sleeping half on top of her. It is comfortable and relaxing, and Clarke does not want to pull away. 

She shifts slightly in Lexa’s embrace, glancing up to observe her face from where her own head rests comfortably against Lexa’s shoulder. She does it with movements so delicate to not wake her up. But Lexa’s eyes are heavily closed as her head is turned to Clarke. Her lips brushing just barely against Clarke’s forehead and Clarke almost shivers by the touch. 

She can stay like this forever, Clarke figures. Waking up in the embrace of Lexa. Warm and comforting. Safe and calm. 

Most of the candles around them have burned out long ago, and the darkness covers most of the spaces in the room now. It is silent and still, and probably really late. 

Clarke shifts carefully, glancing towards the doors that are still closed. No signs of movements are seen nor heard outside of them and Clarke remembers that she did not even go to wish her mother a good night. However, because of the long trip, Abby probably fell asleep short after Clarke first left the room anyway. They managed to spend a lot of their day together, and Clarke knows how in need of sleep one becomes after a trip so far. 

Although, the tightness in her chest does not disappear even from the reassurance that her mother is more likely okay. It rather grows the more awake that Clarke stirs. She can not help but think back to the family in the camp. She can not forget the clear fear in the mother’s eyes when Clarke first stepped into the tent. Right there and then, she probably thought that Clarke was there to take their child away, and Clarke hates how they would even have to think that. 

If there is one thing that Clarke dislikes about the Grounder culture, then it is this. The tradition of the nightbloods. It has always seemed so harsh and cruel. So unnecessary brutal. 

Clarke raises up onto her elbow, glancing down to Lexa underneath. She looks so calm in these moments. So vulnerable and innocent. So soft and loving and the sight only makes the air harder to breathe. She hates doing this to Lexa. _Lying_ to her. Feeling the need to keep this from her. But Clarke does not know what else to do. Instead, she watches the light raising of Lexa’s chest with each breath she takes. She watches her jaw and the corner of her lip slightly twitch by the dreams inside of her brain. She looks so beautiful like this. So grounded and,, _human._ So not capable of the deaths that _do_ linger upon her hands. 

Clarke sighs, she had not even realized that her eyes had fallen to Lexa’s lips until Lexa slowly lets the next words out, 

“ Such loud thoughts. “ She murmurs, husky and low through the sleepiness she’s in. 

Clarke glances up to Lexa’s eyes then, still closed before she smiles, small and careful. Lexa has always had the capability to know exactly what is up with Clarke without the need of actually looking at her. 

“ We fell asleep. “ Clarke whispers. 

“ So why did you wake? “ 

Lexa’s eyes remain closed. She seems in no rush nor want to get up from the couch. She seems perfectly comfortable sleeping here for the rest of the night, and Clarke begins to reconsider if they should. Maybe she should just rest her head against Lexa’s chest again, feeling the light raising of her chest against the side of her cheek and let it lull her back to sleep. Though, Clarke knows that she can’t. Her thoughts are too heavy and she is almost certain that Lexa must be somewhat uncomfortable in her position below her even if she does not want to admit it. 

She brings a hand gently to the side of Lexa’s cheek, tugging a strand of hair slowly behind her ear and feels as Lexa begins to relax against her touch. She is _so beautiful,_ and Clarke feels so incredibly lucky. She lets her eyes wander over Lexa’s face. So comfortable and relaxed. So human and calm. So far from anything that has to do with war and deaths, with torture and pain. 

Clarke tugs at her lower lip before she exhales. 

“ Maybe we should take this to bed. “ 

Lexa opens her eyes, slowly to give them time to adjust to their surroundings. She still looks in haze and blur when she greets Clarke’s eyes. Still a little bit unfocused and unclear. 

Though Clarke only continues to gently rub her thumb over the soft skin of Lexa’s cheek. There is a slight form of a smile in the corner of Lexa’s lip. A smile of joy and want. Of desire and playfulness, and of everything Clarke needs to pull herself off of Lexa and up from the couch. 

“ Here. “ Clarke breathes, husky and low as she gets a hold of Lexa’s hand and pulls her up with her. Their fingers intertwine in one simple motion, so natural and easy before Clarke guides her closer to the bed. 

Clarke can not deny the way her heart races inside of her chest from Lexa’s touch alone. Her hand feels so right attached to her own, and there is something about it that just simply _belongs,_ Clarke figures. She, belongs to Lexa. 

“ I will go wash off. “ 

The tone of Lexa’s voice is soft spread in the air around them when she lets the words out, though Clarke is fast to turn around to stop her. She places herself in front of Lexa, her other hand finding the side of Lexa’s arm. 

“ No. “ She says. 

“ Don’t. “ 

Lexa’s eyes light up with spark and curiosity. With desire and want when she looks back at Clarke. Her pupils are blown wide in her irises but it is probably caused by the darkness in the room, though Clarke can not deny the way it makes her heart tremble. 

She backs herself to the edge of the bed, slowly sitting down once her legs finally hit it. The smile growing wider by watching Lexa in front of her, smiling softly back. 

“ _Clarke_. “ Lexa breathes, and Clarke’s own breath shudders by the way Lexa says her name. Clarke is eager and playful, she is happy and calm and laughs quietly when she begins to tug at Lexa’s shirt. 

Lexa is so gentle with her, so unsure of where to put her hands or how to read the situation. Something that only makes Clarke’s heart race faster. To be honest, Clarke is not completely sure herself _where_ she wants the moment to go. She just wants Lexa close to her, she wants to fall asleep in her arms, content and calm. There is just something so mesmerizing and satisfying by watching Lexa above her and hearing her light laugh when Clarke finally pulls her down with her and onto the bed. 

It is a moment full of love. Full of ease and of everything they both need. Something so sweet and real, and raw and magical. Something that no one will ever be able to take away from them. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I'm so sorry for the long wait, I recently got promoted at work and have just been working a lot. Anyway now the story is REALLY beginning to pick up and I hope you will enjoy it :)

Loud clutter and heavy footsteps echoes in blur in the back of Clarke’s mind as her body begins to wake. It rings in haze and unfocus between ears that drift somewhere between sleep and alertness, in a head that throbs with lack of sleep. 

With movements heavy from the sleep that her mind is forcing her away from, Clarke begins to rub the crust of sleep from her eyes and slowly and unclear does the sight of Lexa fade into vision. 

The movements from the bed must have startled her, as she stops mid-action of clasping her battle armor onto her shoulder and instead freezes in her step. As if the now lack of her movements would somehow bring Clarke back to sleep. Instead, her eyes meet blue while Clarke blinks the haze from her sight.

 **“** I apologize,,” Lexa whispers, low and careful through the silence of the room. 

“ I did not mean to wake you. “ 

Clarke shakes her head, pulling her body to a sitting position with a grunt leaving her lips and the furs fall from her body. “ It’s okay. “ 

Clarke is surprised that the words manage to come out at all through the thickness in her throat, but there is no denying how husky and low they sound when they do. Her body and mind has barely had any time to wake, and her soul still feels like it is soaring in the daze of her dreams. 

Darkness covers most parts of the area in the room, and the coldness of winter keeps the floors even more occupied. Thankfully, Clarke did fall asleep with her blue long-sleeved shirt covering her skin, which now manage to shield her just barely from the cold. 

A yawn of exhaustion slips from the back of her throat before Clarke runs a hand through her short strands of hair. ‘’ Are you leaving already? ‘’

Lexa lowers her chin and finishes her task of clasping her battle armor completely onto her shoulder.

“ Yes. “ she sighs. 

There is no secret in how Lexa seems as frustrated to get out of bed as Clarke feels. The sun has yet not risen and Clarke wonders just how important one duty must be for her to have to leave so early. The land is still quiet, no signs of life are noticeable. Not even from the early animals.

Clarke lets her eyes roam over Lexa’s body. Already fully clothed. Her battle coat is tight around the forms of her body and her hair is decorated with braids. Solid and beautiful. Detailed and determined. Though her face remains clear and clean from paint of war. 

A heavy exhale escapes the depth of her lungs the more Clarke stares at the woman in front of her. Of the woman who still manages to make her heart race and no air to feel enough for her lungs to breathe. Of the woman who still makes waking up every morning feel like a dream. 

“ I will return soon. “ 

Clarke blinks her eyes back to present and glances up to meet Lexa’s gaze. She had not even realized how far her mind drifted, though it must have been clear for the woman watching her. 

“ Sleep, Clarke. “ Lexa murmurs. 

She lays a hand onto the furs over Clarke’s leg in a comforting reassurance, and Clarke lets her lips curl into a short smile.

It is weird, Clarke figures, how she can miss Lexa before she has even left. Because the sheets beside her are still heated from the warmth of Lexa’s body, and her scent still lingers in the fabrics. All of the things that still lingers with her name, is like a lullaby that manages to lull Clarke back to sleep. 

It is calm and comforting, and something that makes watching Lexa leave the room easier to deal with. 

  
  
  
  
  


______________

It is hours later when Clarke wakes the second time. The sun has finally begun to rise. The light reflects onto the glass panes of the tower with strokes of yellow and leaves the room warmer than it did early this morning.

It is clear how more of the Grounders are awake now. Distant chatter and loud footsteps echoes from the ground outside of the tower as well as outside of the room. It is calm and comforting, and just like Clarke enjoys waking up. 

A grunt travels from the depth of her throat as she stretches in the sheets of the bed. Without thinking about it really, does her hand sneak over to Lexa’s side of the bed. Reaching for her, only to find that the sheets are still cold and left empty. 

There is a moment between her sleeping state and when she is fully awake, that Clarke is not reminded of how Lexa has clearly already left her side. It is a moment in which she allows herself to pretend that Lexa will be right there, sleeping peacefully right next to her. It is a moment in which she is still captured by the beauty of her sleep and the dreams within. 

It is a rather disappointment once Clarke is awake enough to remember the reality of it, and she reels back into her pillows with a sigh when she does. 

It is rare, the mornings that they do wake up together. When they can wake up in peace and without rush. When Lexa is calm and relaxed, and not up and out of the bed before Clarke has barely had time to wake. Clarke is aware of Lexa’s duties and how important they are, though she only wishes that she was able to spend more mornings, or overall more time, with her girlfriend. _Girlfriend_. The word spins like a broken record inside of her mind. The word that holds so much meaning and somehow feels unreal to let out. But that is what they are now, right? Clarke would like to think so, and she can’t help but notice how the thought of it sparks and kicks in her gut and deep inside her chest. Just the thought of it makes the air so thick to breathe, and Clarke almost suffocates inside of it. 

She runs a hand through her hair and lets it rest on top of her head as she adjusts to the feelings of the word and the meaning it holds. They _are_ together now, there is no denying or hiding in that. 

A wide smile settles to the corners of Clarke’s lips as her heart races but fades as soon as the loud knocks on the doors drag Clarke from the thoughts she’s soaring in. 

She shoots a stare at the doors, and tosses the furs from her body when she notices the shadow streaming in from under the crack. With quick movements she scoots to sit on the edge of the bed. A sudden rush of being wide awake spreads through her body as a reaction to the sudden knocks of reality. 

“ Just a minute! “ Clarke calls back before she is fast out of bed and fast to throw her robe around her body as a shield for her naked legs. 

The air is still somewhat cold inside of the room and especially the floors, Clarke notices once her feet first come in contact with them. It shivers through her bones and Clarke is quick to tie the robe tighter around her body before she reaches for the doors. 

They open heavily and loudly and to her surprise, Clarke finds Abby standing patiently waiting on the other side. 

“ Hi, “ Clarke greets her, suddenly reminded of her mother’s presence in Polis. She crosses her arms in front of her body, in a way of unconsciously covering herself up before she clears her throat. 

“ Did you.. sleep alright? “ 

Abby smiles slowly, eyes glancing over Clarke’s body before she lets the smile shortly fade. 

“ I did, thank you. “

Abby clears her throat, blinking the thoughts from her mind before she points over her own shoulder and towards the halls. 

“ I heard Lexa leave early. “ She says. “Everything okay? “ 

Clarke follows her mother’s path to the halls outside of the room. The floors are now empty and no sign of either Lexa nor her men are seen outside. Clarke is not sure how long Lexa has been gone, nor if she has had time to come back. Though, she did not think that her mother would be up early enough to actually see Lexa leave the room, and now she wonders about the possible interaction they may have had. 

“ Oh, yeah. “ Clarke clears her throat and blinks her eyes back to present. 

There is no use about telling her mother about the underlying tension between them. The tension that not even Lexa can understand, yet that Clarke has set. So she shuts it out before she shakes the thoughts away. 

“ She just had some things to do. “ 

Abby raises her chin in an understanding motion before her eyes remain deep buried on Clarke again. 

“ And you? “ She asks then, and Clarke tilts her head confused. “ What do you do? “

Clarke draws in a breath and lets the question set. She hasn’t shared her painting room with anyone but Lexa. So she takes a moment to still, a moment before she tugs at her lower lip, biting it between her teeth before she slightly backs away and gestures for her to step inside. 

“ Come in. “ She says. 

“ Let me get dressed, and then I’ll show you. “ 

  
  
  
  
  


______________

  
  


Clarke remains a few steps behind her mother. She is watching from a short distance as Abby walks closer to the stone walls of paint. The wall of art and creativity. 

There is still a mess of color and supplies scattered around on the floor that Clarke has yet not cleaned, though Abby does not seem to mind. She steps closer to the wall, letting her fingers carefully caress the different strokes of dry paint. 

There is a slight smile in the corners of her lips, a smile of pride and joy, and eyes that spark with the new vision in front of her. 

“ I’m glad to see you’re still painting. “ Abby lets out slowly, eyes studying the artwork in front of her before she glances over her shoulder and back at Clarke. 

“ You’ve always had a way with colors. “ 

Clarke smiles. A warmth of happiness fills her chest and settles to every bone in her body. Truthfully, Clarke has never really drawn or painted as much as she has during her time in Polis. Being on the ground, there was always something that got in the way. Always some war that had to be fought or plans that had to be made. Since she left the Ark, _since she left space_ , Clarke has not had the time nor the inspiration to draw, not until she began living in Polis. 

It is all thanks to the peace she has found here, all thanks to Lexa who allowed her a life where she does not have to fight, or does not have to care about anything but her own happiness. Has she been spoiled by it? Maybe. But Clarke knows for a fact that she has never been happier. 

Clarke lets the smile fade from her lips before she clears her throat to respond, 

“ It was Lexa’s idea, she did this for me. “ 

Abby nods slowly, eyes observing every change of expression in Clarke’s face before she turns to step closer. 

“ She makes you happy here then? “ She asks and Clarke raises her chin, heart racing inside of her chest by the thought of Lexa and of the life that they have together now. There is no hesitation nor second thought as she replies, “ She does. “ 

It is true. Lexa does make her happy. She makes her happier than she’s ever been. They both understand and support each other in a way that no one else can. On a level that no one else is able to. 

By the look on Abby’s face, she begins to seem rather satisfied with the answer. Her features soften and her shoulders relax as her lips curl into a wide smile. 

“ Good. “ She says, eyes turning to glance around the room. “ That’s good. “ 

It is weird. Watching her mother here. Watching Abby inside the walls filled with memories of a life that she does not share. Of watching her taking part of something that has solely belonged to Clarke and her new life. Of something that has solely belonged to the Grounders. It is like watching two worlds collide. Two worlds that may never be the same, and Clarke may just find herself standing in the crossroad of the two. 

Clarke licks the dryness of her lips, swallows back the tightness in her throat while her eyes take in the whole vision of her mother in front of her. She lets the sight of her bring her back to present before she forces the next words out. “ Do you have to leave? “

With words of a sigh, does the sentence leave her lips. The question seeming just as sudden and unexpected to Abby as it did to Clarke. She did not mean to let the words slip, yet they were out and asked before Clarke had any time to stop herself. 

It has only been one night, and Clarke has barely had any time to spend with her mother. Why does she have to leave? Why now? Why not stick around long enough so that Clarke can introduce her to Polis and the beauty within the proper way. Why not stick around long enough so that Clarke can introduce her to Lexa. _Her_ Lexa. To give them a chance to connect and to get to know one another in a way that they have never had the chance for before. Clarke wants that. She wants Abby to see Polis, and she wants Abby to _see_ Lexa. The Lexa that is not covered with death and war. The Lexa that is not the face of battle, but rather, the Lexa that is protective and caring. Innocent and gentle. 

Abby sighs, with slow steps she moves closer. There is a different kind of light in her eyes now. A kind of light that sparks with understanding and want. Of support and care.

She meets the floor between them, head nodding lightly before she looks back up to meet Clarke’s gaze. 

‘’ I suppose Kane can run things a little while longer. ‘’ she says with resolve that takes Clarke by surprise. 

'’ Really? ‘’ 

Abby nods. She tucks a strand of blonde hair gently behind Clarke’s ear in a consoling motion. 

‘’ Besides, I want to be with my daughter. ‘’ 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


______________

  
  


“ Here. “ 

Clarke steps down from the chair she was standing on to reach the shelves higher up on the wall before she turns around to hand Abby some new and fresh clothes. 

They are folded in the palms of her hands as Abby hesitantly glances down onto them. 

‘’ They’re more comfortable than they look, I promise. ‘’ Clarke laughs. 

With resolve and determination, had Abby decided to extend her stay in Polis. Clarke is not sure for how long, though figured that it was only fair to provide her mother with some new supplies and clean clothes as her stay in Polis now will become longer. She wants Abby to be comfortable and feel welcomed, so she guided her to one of the empty rooms far down in the tower where she knows that the Grounders keep all of their extra supplies and clothes. 

Abby lets her fingers caress the surprisingly soft material of the clothes. Of the clothes that are not filled with a scent of sweat nor blood. Of dirt and dust. 

Clarke is not sure how long it’s been since her mother last had the opportunity to actually change into something that was not drained with the mistakes in her own fabrics. But she knows how freeing it had felt when Lexa gave her the opportunity. 

Clarke smiles shortly by the sight of her mother. Watching slowly as she lowers her chin to breathe in the new fresh scent. 

‘’ It’ll do you good to take a bath and change into something clean. “ 

“ Oh, so you’re trying to tell me that I reek? “ 

Abby looks up, eyes meeting blue with a quirk of her brow. 

“ No. “ Clarke huffs and shakes her head.

“ Just trust me, you’ll feel good after. “ 

Clarke still remembers when she first returned to Polis after her three-day trip, and just how amazing the first bath had felt. Her clothes had begun to feel glued to her skin from the sweat and rain, and her hair matted with dirt. Being able to take a bath and wash away all of the bad things, and then being able to change into new clean clothes, had almost felt like shredding out of her old skin. It had almost made her feel new and whole again. 

At the time, Clarke had barely even cared that she was putting on someone else’s clothes, someone else’s _underwear._ Lexa’s underwear. Because being able to let go of her own baggage and being offered something new and clean, had felt too incredible to restrain. Besides, the grounder clothing _does_ feel more comfortable than they look and it did not take long for Clarke to feel at home in them. 

Clarke turns then and walks over to another supply closet further into the room. She searches through the shelves in the closet, her hands going through empty cans and different kinds of cloths and towels. 

‘’ So it’s okay for us to take these stuff? ‘’ 

Clarke can feel Abby shift behind her, shifting the weight from one leg to the other in a nervous and hesitant motion.

“ Lexa won’t mind. “

“ I had stuff delivered to me when I first got here too. “ 

“ Yeah well, that was for you, Clarke. “ 

Clarke smiles lightly with her back still towards her mother. She knows the meaning behind the words. She knows that Lexa would do anything to keep Clarke happy and comfortable and that the same rules may not apply to anyone else. However, Clarke also knows that Lexa would want for Abby to be welcomed and to have everything she may need. Abby is family, Lexa knows that. 

“ It’s fine, trust me. “ 

Clarke takes a small step back, her eyes now doing more search than her hands as she observes each shelf carefully with a sigh. 

“ I can’t seem to find any hygiene products. “ 

To be honest, Clarke is not completely sure where Lexa got all of the supplies that she offered Clarke when she first arrived at Polis. She had ordered one of her people to bring Clarke a basket full of different kinds of products. Soaps, towels, clothes and razors. Now she can’t seem to find any of them except for a few small washcloths. 

‘’ It’s okay. ‘’ Abby says then from behind her. 

Clarke is not sure why her chest sinks in the way that it does. Yet a feeling of disappointment rushes through her veins. Clarke is not sure if she is disappointed in herself, or if she fears that her mother will be disappointed in her. _In Polis._ She wants Abby to have it all. She wants to offer her everything that she has gotten. 

‘’ No. ‘’ 

‘’ I’ll just grab some things from Lexa’s room later. ‘’

‘’ _Clarke_. ‘’

‘’ It’s fine. ” Clarke says before she spins in her position to face her mother. The determination in her words only makes Abby tilt her chin down in a grateful nod. She does not want to argue this, and neither does Clarke. 

Clarke knows that they have some products in Lexa’s room, and Lexa would probably not mind if she offered some to Abby. Maybe she would not even notice. 

Clarke draws in a breath, eyes glued to Abby before her shoulders sink and she begins to relax. There is something so unusual and rare about seeing her here. In a place where Clarke never could have pictured her. Now here she stands, somewhat relaxed and at ease. And Clarke relaxes into the presence of her mother. It’s been too long. Way too long without any contact. 

“ I’m glad you’re staying. “ 

Abby smiles. 

” Me too. ” 

Clarke mimics the expression of joy upon Abby’s face, and before she has time to say more, loud chatter and distant calls of a familiar name is heard from the outside. 

They both turn to the doors from where the noises are coming from, and a rush of adrenaline spreads through Clarke’s chest.

“ Sounds like someone is back. “ Abby says then and they both look back to meet each other’s gaze. 

A hidden smile settles to the corners of her lips. Lexa’s returns always manage to make Clarke feel the same kind of excitement. It does not matter if she has been gone for hours or minutes. Clarke never gets tired of her returns and Clarke doesn't think that she ever will. Lexa is her home, as much as Clarke is hers. They will always find their way back to each other, like two magnets that get drawn together. 

  
  
  


_______________

Clarke nearly sprints to the outside of the tower. The outside that is filled with warriors in different shapes and sizes. In different clothings and armors. 

They shield the gates from Clarke’s sight, and Clarke nearly has to push herself forward. 

Lexa has been gone for hours, supposedly to deliver winter supplies for the clan by the lake. Honestly, Clarke is not sure what took her so long, yet she does not think about it more the moment her eyes catch the attention of Lexa's warriors, and soon enough, of Lexa. 

Gracefully and slow, does she slide from the side of her horse’s back. Three of her guards soon mimic her movement and do the same, yet it is only then that the incredible silence fills the air surrounding them. No one is no longer calling out her name. No one is no longer greeting their Commander walking through. But rather, they spread like a sea of whispers when Lexa begins to walk past them. 

Clarke is far enough to see each moment, though still not close enough to reach through. Instead, she keeps her stance beside her mother in the distance of the sea of people and joins their stare on the returning warriors. 

No one says a word, at least not loud enough to hear. Though whispers begin to trade between each other and Clarke does not miss the tension that rises. She does not miss the way her heart thrums, hard and fast against her ribs nor how tense and rigid her posture becomes. Something about Lexa’s return does not feel right. There is no excitement nor joy filling the air, but rather an incredible weight. 

‘’ What’s going on? ‘’ 

Abby leans in close to her side, close enough to whisper the words and Clarke can feel them like shivers down her spine. 

‘’ I don’t know. ‘’ 

She doesn’t. Clarke has never seen this kind of tension between the Grounders before. At least not since war was waiting upon their horizons. Only now, there is no war. There is no battle that has to be fought. And when Lexa and her warriors walk closer, Clarke begins to understand why. 

With the sight in front of her, does her heart shatter to pieces inside of her chest. Her muscles become numb as ice and her face pale as snow. The nightblood child. They have her walking close after Lexa but in front of her men. Secured and caught. _Caught and trapped._


	6. authors note

hey you lovely readers, I’m just checking in with a little update. First of, I’m so sorry about the lack of updates, the last few weeks/months have been crazy with work. I’ve barely had any free time to write or at least not enough for the work to turn out good. However, I am working on the story and I am hoping to have the next chapters out really soon. So if you’re still here, thank you for being patient with me. 

Take care! 


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